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Spec ad for Listerine; well known for having a very strong flavour Listerine might hurt your mouth but it improves your oral health.
Not sure about there, but in Australia 'fairy' is sometimes used as slang for a gay man. Not that your ad is malicious but it's best to avoid things that could be offensive to people by accident.
Nice try with a copy based ad - it comes across as being a bit apologetic for the product, seeming like there is a lack of confidence.
I do get the point you're making with the initial headline but if you think about it... it sounds like you're saying don't floss and brush, just use mouthwash. You need to re-word that.
The body copy reads okay (despite the apologetic thing I mentioned above) but the layout is fairly bad. I'm terrible with body copy so can't give much practical advice besides widen the columns, perhaps highlight or enlarge certain words like "strong" and think about a different font.
Hopefully Shawali or someone in the know can give some advice on body copy and we can all learn something.
^this. The copy kinda sucks, but as a copywriter, even I can't tell you how to fix it. Start over from scratch, probably.
I don't think your tagline conveys the same strategy as your body copy or headline. Tag is telling me that it burns but it's good for me (which probably isn't what you want to say about your product anyway), and the body copy and headline tell me that I should take better care of my teeth and (sarcastically) that oral hygiene is for pansies.
I'm not convinced there's a definitive strategy behind this, and as such I can't make recommendations about changing ANY copy on the page. You can try explaining it to me, but if it's still vague after a long-copy ad, that's pretty indicative of how unsuccessful it is in its current form.
Yeah, props to you for going all copy but to tell you the truth, I stopped reading after 2 lines. You main headlines fails to grab attention. I see what you tried to do, you went for a bold statement, but after reading the only thing I thought was "what do i care?"
Copy based ads are a tough business. Generally, viewers spend merely a few seconds on an ad before turning the page (hence the expression "page turner"), that's why you see them so rarely.
I think the main problem, despite that totally blend AD, is that you don't tell a story. You just describe what bacterias do, in a slightly annoying colloquial and indeed apologetic tone. It doesn't really engage the reader's interest and curiosity. Also, never end your copy with "we promise". You might as well write "pleaaaase, buy our stuff, we beg you!! We are decent folks!" =)
Anyway, keep at it, it's always good to see something different than the ubiquitous visual pun ad about coffee =)
No one cares about child labor, eye donation or saving the Earth: NO PSA!!! http://adsoftheworld.com/forum/135094
Thanks for your sizable responses! And thanks for pointing out the many flaws. I'm going back to the drawing board with this one, I'll get the strategy sorted out and repost.
I had a few alternative headlines, 'By the end you'll beg for the dentist' and 'Swill, gargle, wince. Repeat' but it doesn't sound like they're going to be much help in saving the ad in its current form!
You could go the whole "man challenge" route with it. Like play up how tough the product is on plaque, or how tough your teeth will be after using it. Like:
"If YOU think it burns, imagine how germs feel"
IDK, I think it's a workable strategy considering this product. Sometimes people like the alcohol version of mouthwashes just because they feel like they're doing something. What about a tag like:
"Kick germs in the face"
Now I'm just bullshitting but you can work on it.
EDIT: "Kick germs in the mouth" might be a better one. IDK.
Thanks for the extra feedback jteslik. There's some good thoughts there, I'll have a play around and repost when I have something. Also, with the original ads I was trying to get as far away from the usual spiel this sort of product puts in their advertising; I'd still like to do that so the 'man challenge' sounds like a good start.