A tribute to Joseph Campbell

VO: Today, we salute an all American hero.

Sung: All American hero.

VO: Yes, Mr. I-write-differently.
You pen comments that evoke images of giant squids.

Sung: Giant squids

VO: You tease the audience with taffy and 5 naked girls.

Sung: Five naked girls.

VO: You push beyond the normal comments of
'That's been done before',
'I saw a similar idea 6 years ago'
and the ever so overused
'It's a SCAM!'

Yes, you give us hope in a world where negative
critique breed like bunnies.

You are a true All American hero.

Sung: Joseph Campbell, All American hero.

VO: We toast you with a repost of your finest comments.
And Mr Joseph... We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Thu, 2007-02-15 08:50.
When I first visited the Museum of Red Hair (Musée des Cheveux Rouges) a few miles outside Pape'ete in Tahiti, I was 9 years old. Pop Pop would carry me on his broad mariner's shoulders and we would sing a song about taffy. When we got to the part of the song that reveals the deep, dark truth of a woman's soul, I would cover my ears and yelp. The guard at the Museum did not have red hair, but he did have a temper and perhaps very little patience for a yelping boy on the shoulders of a singing sailor. I shall realize my vengence, Mr. Guard. I shall. We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Wed, 2007-02-14 09:15.
Back! You wicked crab! I cannot fight you with all of those numbers sticking out of you. I shall call the judge and reschedule our bout so I can brush up on my arithmetic. You will seriously dread your comeuppance. Now leave me in peace. We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Wed, 2007-02-14 08:46.
Once, when I was little, I bought a popsicle. The man who sold it to me proceeded to barrel down the street, striking and killing my dog in the process. My mom told me that since I bought the popsicle, I was the one who killed the dog. She sent me to my room and wouldn't let me eat for three days. Thanks Asian Paints. We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Wed, 2007-02-14 09:17.
When I was 16, I ordered a Con Otras Pizza. I waited and waited and played Nintendo while I waited. I did not move for 3 days. Suddenly the phone rang. It was my boss at Con Otras Pizza wondering why I hadn't been to work in three days. I told him I wanted my money back. We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Wed, 2007-02-14 09:55.
Three oily titans are like five ultra chic kings. I'm not getting cans returned at parties. The smart ones will get the acrostic. We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Fri, 2007-02-16 05:16.
Seth: There were six of us. We were skinny dipping when the submarine broke the surface. It was mayhem.
Officer: Did you see anyone in the submarine? Can you describe them?
Seth: I believe it was a Hatian family. They were smiling. They looked very happy. (looks around) Where are my friends? (begins to cry)
Officer: Easy there fella. We'll find your friends. Maybe they boarded the submarine?
Seth: The Hatians were very inviting. Fetching actually. What can we do? (shaking his fist at the sea) Why, Haiti? Why?
At this point, the officer grabs Seth's hand.
Officer: Come along, son. We're off to Haiti. We've no time to waste! I believe Haiti is just past Berthold's Cave.
Seth: (smiling) Can we stop for some taffy? Please?
Hand in hand, they ran down the beach, in search of Haiti and taffy and five naked friends.
We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Thu, 2007-02-15 04:28.
The only part of my childhood that I can remember with any clarity is the time we lived in the jungles of the Dominican Republic. Though it wasn't a Republic back then. I think it was a pearlescent chimera. In fact, most of my young friends were chimeric. How I longed for real friends. My mother said I did not deserve them. Not even the fake ones. Then she stole my tricycle and made a lawn sculpture out of it. While living in the jungle, my family and I lived on milled flax seed and raw fish. I ingested so much omega 3 fatty acids that I grew three extra hearts. I have already donated two of them; I am keeping the third for myself, just in case.
We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Thu, 2007-02-22 03:57.
The Squid and the Hottie.
Samantha slinked down to the Whoreroom to check on the local whores. Encountering Quincy the Squid, she licked her lips and said "Delicious!" Quincy flopped into his Aeron chair and placed a call. "Yes. Can I speak with Carlos? This is Quincy...Yes, I'll hold. Sigh." Quincy fiddled with the window fan with tentacle #3. Tentacle #6 was tracing a well-hidden yet slimy silhouette of Samantha's remarkable belly onto a yellow legal pad he held in his squid lap. "Hey, Carlos. Yeah, she's here. Hmmm. You sure? Ok. Later." Quincy stands behind his desk. "Well?" Tentacle #2 Trembles slightly. Samantha sits on the edge of the desk, her remarkable belly barely brushing tentacle #7. Her lips part, revealing her rather large teeth. "Yummy!" she purrs. Quincy looks at the ground. "Sigh. Let me get the bread crumbs, then." He turns and slides down the hall. Samantha looks at the whore list and giggles.
We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Mon, 2007-02-26 22:31.
Madame Latex and Monsieur Gauze set out for a night of peculiar romancing and measurements. Guided by their mutual distrust of sea-faring wastrels, the young couple headed inland; this is of some significance since they were both nothing more than sea-faring wastrels themselves, though they would later claim to be ocean-traveling scamps. They used the sextant they received as a wedding gift to guide their journey. Unfortunately, they both mistook an oncoming locomotive for the North Star and were subsequently rended tip to toe.
We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Mon, 2007-02-26 22:38.
When I was in the third grade, I wanted to dance like Axl Rose. The Davy Jones sway, as we used to call it. My mother would bang on my door whenever I was practicing my moves in front of the closet mirror. "I know what you're doing in there!" she would cackle. "You'll go blind doing that!" This one would always puzzle me. I could see going blind trying to mimic Slash, what with the hair in the eyes and all, but Axl? Come on. He can see for miles and miles. Or was that someone else?
We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Mon, 2007-02-26 22:42.
It wasn't long before the tiny bottle of Arab tears began to grow. I had to remove them from the bottle. I called my mom into my room. "Do you have a larger container for these?" I pleaded. She laughed and laughed and patted my tiny head. "Son, I know you're too stupid to understand this, but your father and I are getting divorced. He met some Haitian girl. The prick." I looked at her as she picked something green and gummy from her yellow teeth. I craved spinach and love.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Mon, 2007-02-26 22:53.
When Dr. Grendoline arrived, Thomas was a blathering mess. He was convinced the spiders would eat the cancer, but he was in tremendous pain. "Let me take a look here!" Dr. Grendoline shouted. "Why are you shouting?" Thomas shouted back. "Because you're shouting!" With that, all of the spiders scurried away, having finished the Raisintes.
We'll reconvene at 10.

Submitted by Joseph Campbell on Mon, 2007-02-26 23:08.
Andy would later be shot. He would eventually die. Not from the gunshot wound, but from water. And not by drowning. But prior to all of that, he would spend his days exhibiting his Sharpie Theatre to the children he would encounter at the mall. They always ran from him. Sometimes they bit him and then ran. Nevertheless, he soldiered on. Some say he was addicted to War.
We'll reconvene at 10.

4 comments

ellehcimeo's picture
ellehcimeo
3522 pencils

thank you for posting all of his stories in one spot. now i can read them over and over without searching for them. our sweet Joseph, i hope his vacation is going well, and he comes back with a fury.

Joseph Campbell's picture
Joseph Campbell
230 pencils

Well Ivan, obviously I love it. Unless you are making fun of me. If that is the case, then you shall be dealt with. But only with the finest cashmere torture devices one can find.

I've decided I hate signatures.

klaussnow's picture
klaussnow
1677 pencils

i heart you campbell, you complete me in ways only a blind deaf mute person with a limp can...

hang-the-dj's picture
hang-the-dj
1262 pencils

Joseph, these majestic orphans of prose must find a home. Construct an eloborate plot and start weaving, cutting and pasting.

We open in Haiti...

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